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JOKES

Long Jokes

Poor Bob

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

Now She Knows

A married woman woke up and told her husband that she dreamt he gave her a diamond necklace. "What do you think it means?" she asked him. "You'll find out tonight" he replied. Later that night he came home with a package in his hands. the wife was very excited and when she opened it, there was a book inside and it was entitled " The Meaning of Dreams ".

Naming The Twins

A man's sister has twins, a girl and a boy so he offers to go and register them, and when he gets to the register office he realized he didn't know what to name them. So he chose their name. Then he went home and told his sister that the girl was called "Denice". "Ok that's nice," she said "but what about the boy?" He replied, "Oh he's called Denephew."

Cold Water

A boy went to visit his grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate so again he asked, "Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore." Well, later that day, the boy offered to out and get dinner. As he was leaving the house, the grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl, and would not let the boy pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out." Without diverting his attention from the game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get out of the way!"

Hospital Patient

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"
The old lady in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything!"

Ugly Baby

A lady got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the lady slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Afternoon Bike Ride

Kelly and Patrick were giving the motorcycle a ride on an autumn day.
After a little bit Kelly, who was sitting behind Patrick on the bike, began to holler, "Patrick ... Patrick ... the wind is cutting my chest out!"
"Well, Kelly my lad," said Patrick, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back? That will block the wind for you."
So Kelly took Patrick's advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again.
After a bit, Patrick turned to talk to Kelly and was horrified to see that he was not there. Patrick immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route.
When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Kelly who was sitting on the ground. "Oh no!" said Patrick to the farmers. "Is he alright?"
"Well," said one of the farmers, "he was alright when we found him here. But he hasn't said a word since we turned his head back to the front!"

Outrun

Two guys are out in the woods hiking.
All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear..."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you..."

Too Many Kids

One day, 3 men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.
After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"
"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.
"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"
"Wow, thats great, because I work for the DoubleMint company."
About 5 minuter later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"
"I'm right year Doc," he said.
"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"
"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."
A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"
"Right here docta," he said.
"Wonderful news! It's-"
"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."

Final Examination

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

Seconds To Live

Man walks into the Doctors office.
"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.
The Man asks "How long do I have to live?"
"Ten", replies the Doctor.
"What does that mean?" the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"
The Doctor Replies "Nine"

No Ears

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show.
The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?"
The guy says, "Well, you got no ears man!"
So the boss yells, "Get out!"
The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?"
The guy says, "That's easy, you got no ears!"
So the boss says, "Get out!"
As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it."
So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me?"
The guy says, "Your wearing contacts!"
And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know?"
So the guy replies, "Well , you can't wear glasses cause you ain't got no ears."

Late For Work

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad athim and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. The next day Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a healthy breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked. I had the best sleep i've ever had in years!" "That's all fine," said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"

Respectful?

One day, two guys wee on the green at a golf course and a funreal procession went by. One guy completely stopped right in the middle of his put, took off his hat, and put it over his heart. The other guy looked at him and said, "I never knew you had such respect for the dead." The man watching the cars pass by said, "Well, it's the least i could do. We were married for 35 years.

Short Jokes

Bad Grammar?

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Blind Guy

"Doctor doctor, I think I need glasses!"

The man replied, "You do, this is a fish and chips restaurant!"

Underwater

DAD: How are your exams son?

BOY: Underwater.

DAD: Underwater? What do you mean?

BOY: They're below C level.

Memory Problem

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

Patient: What problem?